Monday, 21 January 2013

Dealing with the Hate

Although I've only just recently began taking steps towards living full time, growing up, I was always more feminine than my other male friends. This is a fact which usually had me fending off bullies through all levels of school. When I finally graduated from high school, I thought surely the worst is over, and you know what? for the most part it was. The number of douchebags decreased exponentially. Not to sound too cliche for any readers I have, but, it does in fact get better. A lot of guys used to get in fights with me in middle school and throughout high school, a lot more than I'd often like to admit.

To say that the school system in my area failed me when it came to being proactive about the bullying would be a huge understatement. I can count the number of times that my bullies/assailants were suspended or reprimanded on any level for their brutal homophobic slurs and attacks on one hand. You just have to ignore it all, remember, it does get better. The important thing is that you're happy with who you are. That's something I wish I had learned earlier. There will always be haters in your life, but if you keep your head down and don't give them the satisfaction, they're powerless over you.

The Next Step

Although I had taken the first major step towards my goal of living full time as Daphne, all of my research could not have prepared me for the mental cliff I was now facing. My personality, as I mentioned before, is one which I strive not to make other people uncomfortable, and that directly clashed with what I needed to do next. The decision to put my own needs over the comfort of others, is not one that I took lightly, and some days I still dress as a male to facilitate the comfort of others. This to me isn't compromising my identity, more of a pit stop for me while the people in my life that matter, catch up to where I am right now.

If there is one thing I've come to realize, it's that not everyone who was in my life when I started this transition, will be there when it's all said and done. Already I've lost my fiancee, and a person I had considered to be a close friend. As I set out on this step, I had some reservations, for that very reason. My fiancee of almost two years, left me as we started to drift apart once I informed her of my intentions to transition. The transition was definitely not the only reason that things went wrong in this, but I believe it is the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. If I could go back in time, to when we first started drifting I would in a heartbeat. The fact that my close friend responded the way that he did, definitely took me by surprise. He had always been supportive of my female Halloween costumes and even stood up for me at the bars when other guys had an issue with it. I'll never forget how that conversation went. When I rather emotionally told him that I was transgender, and that I prefer the name Daphne, I was met with instantaneous hostility. In fact, his first words to Daphne were "I'm going to keep calling you Dylan until you realize that this isn't what you want for yourself, and it's unnatural." Not exactly the most encouraging thing to hear from someone I had considered to be one of my best friends. It did not faze me though, and I press on with making my body match my mind.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Wardrobe Expansion

As I had mentioned in my first post, it was around November when I had decided to start living as my true self before it was too late. The first step I took in this process was to expand my wardrobe to include female apparel. I remember feeling quite shy as I made my first trip in to the local Wal-Mart. I had decided that to keep myself from being too overwhelmed, I would just pick out a shirt or two, and get fake boobs to fill the shirts out. At this point for me it was more about convincing myself I could take this first step than it was about what I actually bought. I definitely did not succeed the first time I tried it, but it wasn't because I was embarrassed or uncomfortable, I didn't want to make the cashier feel awkward so I couldn't do it.

On the second trip to the store, I was determined to leave there with a physical piece of clothing for my wardrobe. Once I got there, I discovered that I felt really comfortable browsing, even though I was getting death glares from some other patrons.

I settled on a nice MLP t-shirt and a set of Tinkerbell pyjamas. This Wal-Mart doesn't have self checkouts so I had to circle around a few times to find a cashier I was comfortable going through. Once I made my purchase I felt an immediate bit of relief, my goal of living full time suddenly seemed a lot more attainable.

Introductory Post.

Hi there Everyone,

In case you haven't checked out my About page yet, I'll start with the introduction. My name is Daphne Perry. I was born as Dylan, and hid my real self from the world through high school and beyond. Since losing my job and moving out of my home town however, I have decided it is finally time to live my life for me. This blog will follow the ups and downs of my emotions and every day living as I transition into womanhood as a full time goal.

Midway through 2012 I was running scenarios in my head of how things would play out if I told people how I saw myself, but never really took any further action. Around November, I took my first real step towards achieving this goal, which I was rapidly seeing forming in my head, I expanded my wardrobe to include female clothing. My next post shall have a detailed experience laid out.